Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Chris Carpenter In Command, Cards Crush Canadian Competitors

A generous but consistent strike zone aided Chris Carpenter as he pitched his first career one-hitter over his former team. The former Toronto starter gave up one walk, one hit and K'd 10 on just 95 pithces to dispatch the Blue Jays. Very nice.
Carpenter (9-4) picked up the victory with his second complete-game shutout of the season (April 21) and 15th complete game of his career. He fanned 10 of the 28 batters he faced to increase his season strikeout total to 93 and career strikeout total to 857, through June 14. Carpenter's previous low was two hits allowed in a nine-inning performance (April 15, 1999). His previous low in a complete-game shutout was three hits (Sept. 9, 1997 and July 3, 1999)
The Cardinals offense delivered four homers including two by Canadian Larry Walker. Wait. Did you know he was Canadian? I thought he was from Colorado or something. Those crafty cannucks are sneaky sometimes, the way they quietly blend in with us Amerkins. I wonder who else is secretly Canadian, walking around amongst us regular people. That's kinda scary, when you think about it. They could be living next door to us right now! Or standing in line behind you at the grocery store peeping your products and taking notes as to what to buy so as to appear more like an everyday, fat, dumb Amerkin. Not that there's anything wrong with that. It's just that the more they act and look like us, the more they become a target for the terrists, so i'm just concerned for their safety. I'm sure most are here for a just a little while, working hard earning US dollars to mail back to their impoverished families in Canadia. They will prolly learn that it's not really safe for them down here and they will soon return to the frozen wasteland of hockey farms, beaver pelts, and Celine Dion monuments. Then we can finally stop worrying about who's Canadian.
But seriously, i like many Canadian musical exports: Neil Young, SNFU, the Weakerthans, Neko Case/New Pornographers, The Cash Brothers, all come to mind. But as for Nickelback, Celine, and Shania - they can go ahead and take off, eh! They are clearly Canadian and aren't fooling anyone.

No comments: