- Chinese therapists can cure internet addiction by applying "short, sharp shocks" to "pressure points" of the addict. Article says nothing about where they apply the shocks to those addicted to internet porn.
- You can die from an overdose of online video games. Player's last words: All your base are belong to us.
- Don't take your "glorified firecracker" on the plane with you.
- Don't shoplift at the Wal-Mart in Texas, or the vigilante employees will inflict the "Hot Pavement Treatment" upon you and you will die. Do ya think the employees who killed that guy got bonuses?
- You can lose weight by eating only McDonald's. Caveat: you must avoid the fries and try to live on just 1,400 calories a day. Oh, and you probably need to take a bunch of speed and diet pills, too.
- If you have a secret wife (or more), don't tell ALL of them that you are in the hospital for surgery, or you will get busted when you wake up. Except in Utah.
- You can furnish your apartment for free! Step one: go to FedExKinko's (or as i like to call it, "FeKinkodEx") and get a buttload of shipping boxes. Step two: Build furnitures. Step three: start a website, natch.
- Saudi singles use technology to "flirt" in public. It is very sad that they have to go to such lenghts, but if they get caught, they get beaten and sent to jail. These people are some of Bush's bestest buddies.
- Geeksta Rappers be droppin' some mad science, legit.
- If you are launching your "i'm running against Hillary on an anti-Hillary platform" campaign, always know where page 10 is.
- Katherine Harris has boobs and she knows how to use them. She must have taken PR lessons from Mary Carey.
- We must stay vigilant for fake news. To be safe, rely only on news sources that you know are fake: The Onion, The Daily Show, Fox News Channel, and Drudge.
Friday, August 12, 2005
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
PLEASANTVILLE, NY—Reader's Digest editors reported Monday that submissions to their "Humor In Uniform" feature have fallen off sharply since 2001. "The submissions that are trickling in are just not making me laugh," said Jackie Leo, an editor at the magazine. "I'm looking for amusing send-ups of peeling potatoes on KP duty, not another vignette about a soldier waking up screaming because he accidentally shot a pregnant Iraqi woman." Leo said she almost published one soldier's story about being financially devastated by shrinking veteran benefits "just to help him out with the $300 publication fee, but it just wasn't funny enough."
- Wounded Iraq War veteran snubs Bush.
One day a nurse came in to ask [wounded soldier Terry] Rodgers if he wanted to meet President Bush, who was visiting the hospital. Rodgers declined.
"I don't want anything to do with him," he explains. "My belief is that his ego is getting people killed and mutilated for no reason -- just his ego and his reputation. If we really wanted to, we could pull out of Iraq. Maybe not completely but enough that we wouldn't be losing people -- at least not at this rate. So I think he himself is responsible for quite a few American deaths."
- Bush continues to snub Cindy Sheehan, whose son, Casey was killed in Iraq in June of last year. She, along with a growing number of protesters and military moms, is camped out at W's Crawford ranch demanding an audience with the Presdident. The Prez sent out a coupla minions over the weekend to speak to her, but refuses to talk to her face-to-face. Cindy is braving the heat, rain, lack of restroom facilities and possible arrest by the Secret Service. Manboy president really shows his character when faced with criticism, doesn't he? What a wimp.
“I plan on staying here the entire month of August or until he comes out to talk to me,” she claimed. “And don’t think he can get away. I’ve got his whole perimeter covered with mainstream media cameras maintaining interlocking fields of vision. You’re gonna see me, Mr. President. Oh, yes you will!”
- Coldplay singer Chris "Mr. Gwyneth Paltrow" Martin snubs Prime Minister Tony "i am not Bush's Bitch" Blair. Says Martin, "...I don't particularly want to be photographed with him at the moment."
- Tony Blair snubs former British Foreign Secretary and critic of the Iraq War, Robin Cook by not attending his funeral. Tony Blair can't face his critics, even when they're dead.